Weekend Update

So our weekend went half and half again.  I did get a good workout in on Saturday morning.  I used both the elliptical and treadmill.  I need to start doing the weights again as well.  Although I did use the 5 pounders while on the treadmill for a bit.

And because I got up at 9am and immediately worked out and wasn't particularly hungry after doing so then got ready to do some shopping I only had one meal before dinner.  That meal (lunch) was a turkey sandwich on breadthins and a 1oz bag of Doritos.  I ended up breaking down about an hour after that and eating one more bag of chips though.   But even so, with the workout and light lunch I had over 800 calories to use up with dinner.  Which I'm sure they were since it was noodle based meal.

I had Ling's Low Mien for dinner.  Which, along with the noodles, has pork, chicken, beef and shrimp along with Chinese greens.  It's oh so good but I'm sure chock full of calories.

Sunday was ok.  We had frozen fish (baked) with some tots (also baked) for our brunch.  Then HDT had to go to work from 3-6.  While he did that I ran to the store to get a couple items and since it was so nice out when I got home I decided to take Poydras for a walk.

We had a nice 40 minute walk along one of our trails where he got to see ducks, squirrels and even a frog along with several other people walking and biking along.  On our way back to the car I even picked up the pace 3 different times.  They were very short/quick jogs but still, that's better than not doing it at all.  They certainly got my heart pumping.

For dinner we had Italian beef sandwiches.  Not the best but certainly not as bad as some other foods we could have chosen since neither of us felt like cooking. 

Tonight I'm going to have to do a very quick workout before he gets home so I have enough time to clean up afterward because we're supposed to be going over to his sister's house for his nephew's birthday.  And we'll have to leave pretty much as soon as he walks in the door.

Weekend Update - It was a mix of good and bad all weekend

So, I did bad on Saturday with the food.  I figured it'd be my last bad day and I'd start fresh on Sunday.  While I was out running around doing the shopping my lunch consisted of a personal pan pepperoni from PH and two breadsticks.  But after shopping for 3 hours and then cleaning the house right after I got home and put everything away I don't feel too bad.  I'm sure I burned a good 400-500 calories at least with all the running around I did.  I started out just before noon and didn't stop until 5:45ish.  Which included vacuuming, including the stairs, which I went up and down several times while cleaning the house.  And also dust mopping and wet mopping the new kitchen tiles.  I was exhausted when it was all said and done.  Took a nice relaxing hot bath where I sweated some more for about 30 minutes.

I also had some frozen mexican foods (2 taquitos and 3 mini chimichangas) and several buffalo style chicken bites.  But they were all baked so I know that helped some.  But that's all the food I had all day so even if they equaled the 1,100 calories I'm allowed for the day I know with the shopping and cleaning I burned a lot of that.

Oh yeah, I did have a few Schmirnoff blueberry lemonades as well.  I guess I need to find out how many calories are in those.  I don't have them very often but decided to while watching UFC with the boys.

HDT did better than I did.  He had a subway sandwich of grilled chicken, lettuce, cucumbers (he's since decided that he doesn't like those on the sandwich) and green peppers on wheat.  Not sure what else he had, if anything during the day since he was at a friend's house.  But he also had several of the same items I did during the fights.  But no alcohol for him.

Yesterday we both had a subway sandwich.  He had his with cheese added instead of the cucs and I had a turkey on wheat.  Just turkey with some pepper and salt added since I don't care for anything else on my sandwiches. 

But then, we went bowling with some friends and had pizza. It was thin but there was pepperoni and sausage. And we each had a few shots of Jager. So again, bad food mixed with some exercise but still, not the best we could do, that's for sure.

Today I've done well for my food so far.  Some turkey on fiber rich sandwich thins and pineapple for lunch.  A breakfast bar and a banana for breakfast.  We're supposed to be having chicken breasts and some sides for dinner.  As long as I make myself cook it up that's what we'll have.

We're also supposed to do the elliptical and treadmill as well tonight.  We both agreed that we'll probably start out slow, probably only doing about 20 minutes on them but we shall see.  He's working today so once he gets home we've agreed to get right on them so we get it over with.  Heh

Letting myself down, why oh why....

So let's see.  The weekend ended up not being too bad after all.  At least, not for the most part anyway.  I went grocery shopping on Friday and actually managed not to buy any sweets.  At least not the kind I normally do.  I bought 90 calorie snack pack boxes of rice cakes.  The little mini ones that are chocolate or carmel or the like.  So, as long as we only snack on one pack we'll be doing ok with those.

Food wasn't the best but it wasn't awful either.  I made stew on Saturday which we had for dinner.  But we still had pizza for dinner on Sunday.  So yeah, that's not good. 

And I of course, still haven't worked out yet.  I have the good intentions but I just can't seem to make myself follow up with them yet.  I really don't know why.

There are times that I wonder if it's because I'm afraid to get slim/healthy.  I've been at best chubby and at worst fat since my early 20's.  I did lose a decent amount of weight in between my first husband and HDT but it didn't take too long to put it all back on.  When I was with my first husband, at least for the last couple years we were together, I wore a size 14. Yeah, yeah, I know it's the average size but when you're only 5'3" and wear a size 14 you're chubby.

I got down to a 10 for a little while in between the two but within a year and half after meeting HDT I was back in a size 14.

Now HDT on the other hand has always been overweight.  When we met he wasn't too bad, just chubby, but he's been up and down his whole life.  But with me he's been the heaviest he's ever been, I have too.  He's said to me before that he's worried that if I lose weight and look good and he doesn't that I'd leave him for a better looking guy.  I've told him before that that isn't true but of course he's still worried about it.  I honestly believe I wouldn't do that but you really don't know what you would do until you're confronted with certain situations.

We have a couple guns for protection, I believe I'd use mine immediately if I felt threatened.  But if I ever had to I really don't know what would happen.  There are other people that believe they'd never lift a gun towards another person but if they felt their life was in danger or their child's, etc. they very well may do so after all.  This is what I'm saying.  I believe I wouldn't but I really just don't know.

So I think that's one reason I hold myself back.  Plus the fact that it's been a really long time since I was slim, I don't know who that person is anymore.  I'm afraid I'll be someone else and I won't like her.  Every now and then I actually worry that he won't like me even if I stay the same person just skinny. 

There are times that I feel like there's no way I'll be able to maintain a slim/healthy body so why bother.  I maintained the 185 weight for so long without doing anything different that I wondered if that's just what I was supposed to be.  Looking at my family tree most of the women have meat on their bones.  There's very few of us that are actually naturally slim. 

You always read these articles that say you need to love yourself and how you look no matter what and what follows will follow naturally.  Well, I do love myself but that doesn't mean I love my body.  Because I don't.  I have a hard time finding anything I like about it and then when I do I have a hard time remembering that I like that part.  Like my calves; I have awesome calves.  I know it's from when I was kid and had a paper route.  My mom was never one of those parents that would drive their kid around delivering the papers.  If I wanted the job I had to do it on my own.  So that meant walking the whole thing or riding my bike.  I walked most of the time so my legs were STRONG.  And even after gaining weight my calves have always looked good. 

My thighs not so much anymore.  For a long time they still looked good because the muscle was still so big and strong.  But I noticed this last year that they now have cellulite where there didn't used to be.  And the worst thing about it is that they didn't look like that before I had lost the 20 plus pounds back in '09.  They only started getting the dimples and saggy skin after I gained it back.  Sucks big time. 

But my calves still look good though.  Heh

But, honestly, I think that's what's holding me back the most.  I just don't know that slim and healthy girl anymore and I'm afraid of her.  And I'm afraid of letting myself down again and you can't let yourself down if you never start.  Considering I've let myself down a couple times already I know I'm capable of it and that just sucks.