So let's see. The weekend ended up not being too bad after all. At least, not for the most part anyway. I went grocery shopping on Friday and actually managed not to buy any sweets. At least not the kind I normally do. I bought 90 calorie snack pack boxes of rice cakes. The little mini ones that are chocolate or carmel or the like. So, as long as we only snack on one pack we'll be doing ok with those.
Food wasn't the best but it wasn't awful either. I made stew on Saturday which we had for dinner. But we still had pizza for dinner on Sunday. So yeah, that's not good.
And I of course, still haven't worked out yet. I have the good intentions but I just can't seem to make myself follow up with them yet. I really don't know why.
There are times that I wonder if it's because I'm afraid to get slim/healthy. I've been at best chubby and at worst fat since my early 20's. I did lose a decent amount of weight in between my first husband and HDT but it didn't take too long to put it all back on. When I was with my first husband, at least for the last couple years we were together, I wore a size 14. Yeah, yeah, I know it's the average size but when you're only 5'3" and wear a size 14 you're chubby.
I got down to a 10 for a little while in between the two but within a year and half after meeting HDT I was back in a size 14.
Now HDT on the other hand has always been overweight. When we met he wasn't too bad, just chubby, but he's been up and down his whole life. But with me he's been the heaviest he's ever been, I have too. He's said to me before that he's worried that if I lose weight and look good and he doesn't that I'd leave him for a better looking guy. I've told him before that that isn't true but of course he's still worried about it. I honestly believe I wouldn't do that but you really don't know what you would do until you're confronted with certain situations.
We have a couple guns for protection, I believe I'd use mine immediately if I felt threatened. But if I ever had to I really don't know what would happen. There are other people that believe they'd never lift a gun towards another person but if they felt their life was in danger or their child's, etc. they very well may do so after all. This is what I'm saying. I believe I wouldn't but I really just don't know.
So I think that's one reason I hold myself back. Plus the fact that it's been a really long time since I was slim, I don't know who that person is anymore. I'm afraid I'll be someone else and I won't like her. Every now and then I actually worry that he won't like me even if I stay the same person just skinny.
There are times that I feel like there's no way I'll be able to maintain a slim/healthy body so why bother. I maintained the 185 weight for so long without doing anything different that I wondered if that's just what I was supposed to be. Looking at my family tree most of the women have meat on their bones. There's very few of us that are actually naturally slim.
You always read these articles that say you need to love yourself and how you look no matter what and what follows will follow naturally. Well, I do love myself but that doesn't mean I love my body. Because I don't. I have a hard time finding anything I like about it and then when I do I have a hard time remembering that I like that part. Like my calves; I have awesome calves. I know it's from when I was kid and had a paper route. My mom was never one of those parents that would drive their kid around delivering the papers. If I wanted the job I had to do it on my own. So that meant walking the whole thing or riding my bike. I walked most of the time so my legs were STRONG. And even after gaining weight my calves have always looked good.
My thighs not so much anymore. For a long time they still looked good because the muscle was still so big and strong. But I noticed this last year that they now have cellulite where there didn't used to be. And the worst thing about it is that they didn't look like that before I had lost the 20 plus pounds back in '09. They only started getting the dimples and saggy skin after I gained it back. Sucks big time.
But my calves still look good though. Heh
But, honestly, I think that's what's holding me back the most. I just don't know that slim and healthy girl anymore and I'm afraid of her. And I'm afraid of letting myself down again and you can't let yourself down if you never start. Considering I've let myself down a couple times already I know I'm capable of it and that just sucks.
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