I'm a broken record

So, yeah, I suck.  Which was the title a couple posts ago.  And the following two sentences have pretty much been the same for the last several months.

I haven't done shit with the exercising or losing.  But again at least I haven't gained anything. 

It's the only thing I have to be positive about with this whole damn weight loss game.  I've been hovering between 186 and 188 for months now.  Just 10lbs would be awesome.  But no, I suck.

UGH!

I do want to lose, not only for looks but for health as well.  I just can't seem to stay motivated and I honestly don't know why.  I hate how I look and feel but apparently that's not enough to make me stay on track.  Doesn't make sense really, you'd think that would be enough but it's just not.  Not right now anyway.

I know my blood pressure is really good though.  I went to see my neurologist to get a new prescription for my migraines and he took my blood pressure and said it was terrific.  Then I saw my ob-gyn for a checkup and renewal for birth control and had my pressure taken there as well and they too said it was perfect. 

So with a history of high blood pressure in the family that's good news, that even with being overweight my pressure is still good. 

I haven't had an overall checkup in years though. In fact my doctor's office called asking me to make an appointment for a checkup soon.  I haven't done that yet.  I guess I should just to make sure my cholesterol and everything else is good though. 

The last time I had my eyes checked the doctor said he could see that I was on the verge of high cholesterol.  It's amazing what they can find with eye exams.  But since that time I have lost some weight and started to eat healthier so hopefully that's gotten better. 

It's time for another eye appointment as well.  And shoot, it's time for another mammogram also.  Geesh, it'll just be appointment after appointment these next couple months. 

Anyway, I was really hoping to look and feel better for the vacation in a couple weeks but obviously even that wasn't a big enough motivator. 

I'd love to blame HDT since he's an enabler but I really can't.  Yes, he does enable me to skip a workout or eat dessert but just because he does that doesn't mean I can blame him.  I'm the one who ultimately makes the decision to not get off my ass or to put that brownie down my throat.  Besides there are times that he's the one that makes the decision to not have the brownie or go out for the ice cream.  Many times I leave it up to him whether we go walk Poydras and get our exercise in as well.  Sure, there're times that he says he just doesn't want to do it for whatever reason and we don't go but a lot of the time he'll say we need to go.  Yes for ourselves but even more so for Poydras, get his exercise in as well cause he needs it too.  He's not awfully overweight but he can certainly stand to lose a pound or so.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that even when he says he doesn't want to do whatever it is I'm asking us to do I can still do it just because he doesn't.  It's my choice to go along with him in not doing it.  Or go along with him in doing it when it comes to the eating of bad stuff.  It's my choice and right now I'm not making the best of choices.  It's easier to just give in and go along than be strong and resist. 

I was hoping by creating this website and writing it all down would help keep me motivated but so far not so much.  I still like having a place I can put down my goods, bads and uglies and will keep doing it because it's helpful but not in the way I thought.  Or at least, not as much as I thought it would be. 

Hmmmm, there are websites out there where you can get support from strangers, encouragement when you need it.  Maybe I'll join one of them, it may help.  Definitely food for thought.  HA!

Walks are nice, gotta keep 'em up

So, yeah, since the last post I still was doing a bunch of nothing for the most part.  But again, at least I'm not gaining.

But, a little over a week ago HDiTty and I started going for walks with Poydras in the evenings when we got home from work.  So we're at least doing that. 

And yesterday he figured out if we go up and down two of the streets that we used to just skip (we'd go in a big "circle" around the neighborhood) we'd go from .9 miles to 1.2 miles.  Or was that 1.4 miles, hmmm, now I'm not sure.  But anyway it made it over a mile and that's what counts. 

We'd also jog for a bit as well.  Usually from one street to the next (the short end of the block) or between light poles.  Poydras is a little guy so he can't handle a whole lot of running right now.  I mean he's not in the best of shape either. 

So we're all working up to longer walks and jogging more. 

Which is making me want to start counting calories again using my app.  So I guess I'll start that again.

Just a month and half before vacation so I gotta do something. 

The walking will help for when we're in Niagara Falls.  My understanding we should be able to do a lot of walking rather than having to drive to places we'd like to see.  Of course some will probably be done but not a lot it seems.  The place I've booked everyone that left a comment said it was one of the best things about it - that it's within 5 minutes walk of the falls - the attractions, shopping, etc.

It's a B&B.  I wasn't sure if I'd ever stay at one, I feel like I wouldn't be comfortable at one.  But out of all the places I looked at it had a far better ratio of positive reviews to negative.  And the negatives weren't all that negative.  So I think I'm good.  Plus the owner's speak German so I know that'll make HDT happy.  He took German in high school and still retains quite a bit of it.

I'm not sure what we'll be doing in Canada but one thing I'd like to do if possible is a corn maze.  We did that once years ago when we were there and had a blast.  This time around our friends have a 6 year old son that I believe would get a kick out of it as well.  So all this walking around the neighborhood will definitely help walking around a maze if we do that. 

I'd also like to do one of the cities walking ghost tours.  The one I'd like most to do is the bar tour.  At each stop we'd learn about the haunts and get a drink.  Sounds like a lot of fun.  And the walking will help burn off at least some of the calories from the drinks.  Heh

I suck

So, I've done a bunch of nothing again.  At least I haven't gained. 

These are really The Bad and The Ugly times.

I must, must, must get back on the bandwagon of weightloss. 

Ugh!!

Ugh!  That's all I've got to say.  Ugh!

Well, I'll say a little more.  For the last two weeks I've done a bunch of nothing again.  Not even bike rides.  Maybe one ride since then and one time on the elliptical.  And of course I've put back on a couple pounds. 

I only have 16 weeks before vacation.  That means only 32 pounds that I can lose by then and that's only if I can lose 2 pounds a week.  I know I can do it.  I lost approx 25 pounds 3 years ago in less time but still.  It bugs me that I just can't keep at it.  Of course I'm hoping some weeks will be more than 2 pounds but I've really got to get back into it. 

Ugh!  Just Ugh!

The Bad, The Ugly, and some of The Good

So, I haven't been by for 3 weeks.  Geesh.  And guess what I haven't done much of since then?  Yep, that's right, I haven't done much of any type of exercising.

I couldn't even give you a good reason either.  Just been lazy for the most part really.  Food has been so so as usual.  Not good but not horrible either. 

We have gone for a few bike rides though.  So at least that's something.  Granted they're not long right now, just around the neighborhood which is just slightly longer than a mile.  But last night after we got back HDiTty asked if I wanted to take Poydras for a walk and I jumped right on that so we did the same route with him.  I've been wanting to take him for a walk lately but HDT hasn't so we haven't.  So when he offers I'm not going to say no.  Or at least it'll be highly unlikely.

But I gotta say, the first bike ride last Sunday didn't go so smoothly.  Well, most of it did, just the end didn't.  We were on the home stretch when we had a little accident.  HDT's peddles are not normal peddles.  He has straps that go over the toe area so when he's on the up swing he's still using his feet and legs.  Well he decided about 6 houses from ours that he didn't want to use them anymore.  So he took his feet out and flipped the peddle.

Well I was riding right behind him.  I was gliding along, slowly catching up to him and he of course started to slow down because of no longer peddling.  Next thing I know his back wheel hits my front wheel and we lock up.  I end up falling to my right.  I tried to stop myself but it didn't work so well.  My palm got a couple scrapes that never even hurt.  But my elbow and arm?  Well that's a different story.

That's taken after it was washed thoroughly and has some neosporin on it, hence the shine.  I also skinned up my shin just below my knee.  But again, that was no big deal.

By Thursday the bruising was all around the whole elbow and up the side of the scrape.  It hurt to rest my arm on my desk to use my mouse and keyboard at work.  One of my coworkers suggested using a pillow so I brought one in on Friday.  By the afternoon I was needing it.

I took another pic yesterday evening.  One full week later:

This was right after my bath so that's why the scabs are so light in color.  It had gotten like that on Friday night also - the first time I was able to submerge in water without it hurting like a bitch.  But when it came out all soft I picked it off.  HDT was not happy with me when I told him.  But I think it actually helped.  Over night it was able to breath again and several places that had been scabbed up didn't rescab.  Last night though I didn't pick any off except what came off when I patted it dry. 

Every day, including today it's been very sensitive.  Just about every movement pulls it.  But at least yesterday and today haven't been as bad and the bruising is almost all gone and I've been able to rest it on the desk while working.

We of course have been careful on our rides since then.  Heh

The reason we haven't gone longer yet is that he's still getting used to it.  Because of the types of peddles he uses he's more on his toes than the ball of the foot.  Which makes the calves work harder.  Plus he keeps it in a strong gear so the legs get a good work out.  So by the time we're almost home his calves are burning.  Eventually we'll be going longer.

So the bike rides are part of The Good.  The other good is that although I haven't been doing much of anything I lost a little more.  When I weighed in Saturday I was down to 186.7.  I'm sure it's the exercising I had been doing that's now catching up.  So I'm hoping that by getting back into it I won't gain any from these last few weeks of doing little.  Hopefully I'll stay within a pound or so and then start loosing again.

We shall see.

The weekend didn't get any bettter

So the weekend didn't get any better for us.  Still the ugly, maybe even the uglier.  Saturday we had Jim, his sister and her husband over to celebrate her birthday which is today actually.

We made burgers for dinner.  Which aren't too bad I guess but then added bacon to them.  1 1/2 slices to mine.  And throughout the night had Doritos, Sun Chips and brownies.  I also had a little debbie's s'more.  No drinking this time so at least there weren't extra bad for us calories.  We also went to see Hungry Games and although planned on having popcorn and a soda we ended up not doing so.  So at least we didn't make it worse that way either.

Sunday wasn't too bad.  I mowed the lawn for the 1st time this year and although temp wise it was only around 55 or so I still got my sweat on because it was nice and sunny.  We had hot dogs & chips and another brownie for lunch.  But since I poured out the chips onto my plate rather than eating them straight out the bag I really didn't have that many.  So that meal was 1/2 and 1/2.

For dinner we had a Jack Daniel's brisket (one of the kind you heat up in the microwave), corn and green beans with a dinner roll and a half.  So that wasn't too bad of a dinner either.

Actually, now that I'm looking back on everything it wasn't as ugly as I thought.  Saturday night was ugly, that goes without saying, but we had baked chicken and tator tots for lunch which are around 500 calories total, which isn't a bad meal really.  I had done some shopping earlier in the morning so got a bit of exercise there while walking around the store and bending and lifting items.  And I also vacuumed the basement and kitchen and straightened the kitchen which got a sweat going.  So, yeah, not near as ugly as I first thought.

Tonight I will be getting back on the elliptical and/or treadmill.  HDT has to go in at 10 so not sure if he'll do anything or not.

It's ugly this week

So it's pretty much been the ugly this week.  Although we're not eating as bad as we used to we're not doing as good as we could and there's been very little exercising going on. 

Tuesday we cleaned the garage.  Didn't do the whole thing but did pretty good with it.  Hell, we were out there for two hours.  So I know some calories were knocked out but then we had take out Italian beef.  So who knows how many calories are in those.  Once again, no where near as bad as we could've been but still.

That's pretty much the only exercise that's gone on this whole week.  And today I'm sure there won't be any again.  He's picking me up from work and we're going to the Apple store to try to figure out what's wrong with his phone.  By the time we get out of there and then have dinner neither of us will feel like doing anything and because we're good at enabling each other we won't do anything.

Yep, gotta get back into it.  Gotta, gotta, gotta.

Peeing Day

So, yeah, I gained back a couple pounds.  Actually it had looked like I gained back all 3 that I had lost before but with my period in play I figured I'd reevaluate once that was all done.  And sure enough as usual I had my "peeing day" that I tend to do almost every month.  I noticed in the last year or so that within a day, sometimes two, of my period ending I have to pee just about every hour.  It's crazy really.  Anyway, I had that the other day and sure enough the next day I was over a pound lighter.  So I definitely retain water during my period which I never used to do.

So, yeah, only up 2 pounds really.  But still that's bad enough, I'm right back where I started.  Last weekend really was worse than I thought I guess. 

The last two nights we've taken Poydras for a walk but both times it was probably only for about a mile and we didn't do anything more when we got home.  So I certainly don't expect any good results this past week.

But, we now have an actual goal to aspire to and not just trying to get to a certain weight.  Not only do we each want to reach a certain weight (mines 135-140) but we want to go on vacation for our anniversary.  And we want it to be in Canada visiting friends.  If we kick it in high gear and actually lose the 2 pounds a week we want to do that's 58 pounds.  That's actually all I have to lose and that puts me at 136.  Yep, I'm 194 right now.  To be able to lose everything I want to by then would be wonderful.  Hell, I'd be happy to lose half of that even.  When I lost the 23 pounds I had a couple years ago and was still 162 I looked and felt soooo much better.  Yep, I was 185 before and since then I've gained all that 23 back and then some.  Sucks to be me.

But if I only lost 1 pound a week that's still 29 pounds which would put me at 165, so yep, still over weight but looking and feeling much better. 

And HDT being a guy and much heavier than me would be able to lose more than the 58 if he kicks it in.  He'd still be a big guy but I know he'd feel better about himself and he'd definitely look better than he does now.  I'm not going to put his weight on here since I've actually never spoken to him about this site so he doesn't even know it exists, so therefore no permission from him to speak about something as personal as the "number." 

While on the walk for Poydras last night HDT brought up riding bikes again.  I'm glad to hear it, hopefully we'll be doing that soon as well.  And I mentioned that we have to start lifting weights as well and he agreed.

His friend Pat whose had some health issues is overweight also.  The other night while visiting they discussed him coming over to use our treadmill.  If that happens that'll get HDT to work out more.  He's pretty much stopped again other than the last two days when I've gotten him to go for the walks with Poydras.  He'd feel a lot more guilty not doing something with Pat than he would/does when he doesn't do anything with me while I'm on one of the machines.

Wish us luck. 

I hate the horse

Yep, still the ugly and the bad.  So much for getting back on the horse.  I hate exercising, just hate it, so it's really hard to make myself start up again.  But without bringing it up to HDT he brought up himself to me that he wants to get better as well.

He started keeping track of calories yesterday and I started drinking water again.  So it was kinda funny that we both started something without the other knowing.  I went ahead and put in my calories as well for yesterday so that'll help me get motivated again.  Knowing I'm only allowed 400-500 calories for the rest of the day after lunch is a pretty good motivator to exercise as I'm allowed a few more calories then. 

But I gotta say, although I hate the exercise (any of them) I do like how I feel afterward and when I was doing it consistently I noticed I slept better.  So yeah, I really do need to get back into it.

Exercise - I need to buckle down and make it a habit sooner rather than later

So, yeah, I have no idea when I'm going to get consistent with my workouts and eating better.  It comes and goes every singe week.  I know it takes a minimum of 20 days for a habit to take and a lot longer than that to break habits but geesh, this is getting ridiculous.  I just need to buckle down and get to it and quit making excuses.

HDT and I got on the machines Monday evening when he got home from work.  I got on the elliptical and he got on the treadmill.  The treadmill was sounding pretty bad, sounded like it was scraping.  So he looked at the booklet and it said if it sounded like that to immediately turn it off and call for a look see.  So he turned it off but still hasn't called it in.  I stayed on the elliptical and got in a pretty good workout but I haven't gotten back on it since.  And I haven't done any weights either. 

Every day throughout work I try to psych myself up for it but by the time I get home I lose interest.  Especially since I usually get a cat and/or dog sitting on top of me. 

And food hasn't been any better.  We're eating the same crap we usually do.  Pizza more than once a week, doesn't matter if it's bought from a restaurant or frozen.  If it's pizza we're having it at least twice in a week.  I try to push it off but it doesn't always work.  Or chicken and tots.  Although since they're baked and we don't eat a whole lot of either the meal is usually just around 500 calories.  But since lunch isn't always good having 500 at dinner sometimes breaks the bank.  Especially with having ice cream just about every day since Saturday.  Luckily that's now gone and I have no intention of buying any more tonight when I do the grocery shopping.

Once again I will be trying to get into the habit of exercise and eating better will/should follow.

Yep, been bad again

I haven't posted in awhile because I've been pretty much nothing but bad and ugly since the last post and I just don't want to talk about it.

But, I did some grocery shopping recently and bought some good for us stuff so we'll have some decent dinners/lunches for awhile.

One good thing I've done is not have McD's every week.  I used to have it at least once if not twice a week for lunch.  But for the last month I haven't been having it and I've been craving it.  Last Thursday I finally broke down and got it.  Luckily HDT was home when I got there and I gave him half of my burger and fries and the whole coke.  So at least saved half the calories from it.  But my bowels were messed up for the next couple of days.  It's the only reason I could think of.  Everything else we ate from Wed. night on was our normal foods.  So yeah, that'll keep me from having it again any time soon.  So that's a plus.

I've done some jump rope and jumping jacks here and there but nothing much else that could really be considered exercise.  I thought I'd really do good after the last burst of energy/exercise but nope, not so much.  UGH  just  UGH

Nope, not gonna allow myself, just can't do it!

So yeah, this last week was another bad and ugly one.  No workouts and very little eating good.  This weekend wasn't much better.

Saturday morning I did the burst exercising again on the treadmill but that was it.  We had pizza and ate out and generally didn't eat well at all.  The best meal we had was breakfast Sunday morning and even that wasn't the greatest: scrambled eggs and bacon with toast slathered in margarine. 

As far as I know we have no plans for tonight to go anywhere so as long as nothing changes my plan is to get on the elliptical.  Luckily I'm nowhere near as sore as I was last Monday after doing the bursting.  In fact there's very little that hurts so I'm gonna say that even though I hadn't done anything else throughout the week my body was still able to adapt well enough that doing it all over again a full week later still didn't put the same kind of stress on it as I figured it would.  So that's a good thing.

At one point early last week I weighed myself again and I was up to 190.  WHAT! NO FUCKING WAY!!  But yeah, actually I can totally believe it especially since I'm feeling so much worse in my clothes.  When I weighed again on Thursday I think it was, maybe Friday, I was back down to 188.  I meant to weigh myself this morning but I was running really late so I'll have to make a point of it tomorrow. 

I so cannot let myself get up to my highest weight again which was 209.  I just can't do it, hell, I can't let myself get up to 200 even.  NO!  Just NO!

It's definitely a mix these last couple of days

Dinner last night was good.  We had skinless chicken breasts with Tony's seasoning cooked on the GF grill and a small baked potato each (in the steamer bag in the microwave) and asparagus (also from a steamer bag).  And wonder of wonders - NO BREAD!!!

We've still been doing the plank but haven't done the scorpion flip in awhile.  HDT is good at the plank, he's been able to consistently do 70 seconds and last night he did 80.  The experts say you only need to do 90 seconds a day.  I haven't been able to get past 45 yet.  But then, I did that after I already did 43 about 10 minutes before so I don't feel too bad about it.  That was last night too so who knows what I'll be able to do tonight.  We shall see.

I also did some weird pushups last night as well.  While playing tug with Poydras I was sitting on the couch.  At one point I do what I normally do and bend over and put my hands on the floor while my legs and butt are still on the couch.  He got the toy away from me and trotted around behind the couch and I bent way over to look under it at him.  He was looking back at me from the other side - too damn cute.  I called him back to me and as he came back around I pushed myself up pushup style.  And the proverbial light bulb went off.  So I did a few more pushups that way.  I was actually able to go lower than I can when doing a normal pushup but it was still a workout.  Then HDT came over and put his hand on my back for added pressure as I came up.  And it wasn't light pressure either.  UGH!  I didn't count how many I did with his hand there but I believe it was around 5 or 6 and the last one I ended up collapsing because he was pushing so hard and I no longer could push back up. 

Then after he stepped back I had a hard time even pushing myself back up on to the couch because my arms were so jellied from it.  So although I didn't get on the elliptical or treadmill as I planned because Jess came over and cut my hair, I at least was able to do a little something anyway. 

And today at lunch I decided to be very good since I was half bad for breakfast and had a small piece of cake that the auditors brought in this morning.  I still had my yogurt, but still.  So anyway, at lunch I decided to have half a turkey sandwich and an orange.  And both were really really good.  But then as I'm sitting on the couch watching my Ghost Hunters with about 15 minutes left before I had to leave I decide to do the ugly thing and reach for the potato chips.  And instead of shaking some out onto my plate I eat straight from the bag.  Bad, just bad.

I think we'll have hamburgers tonight, although not the greatest at least they're not that bad.  The meat is 90% lean and we only add Tony's seasoning to it.  Well, that's all I add, he adds ketchup and cheese - yech!

Bad weekend, bad

So this weekend was bad when it came to food but we at least did the scorpion flip several times and we've started doing the plank as well. 

Friday night we finally went out for my steak dinner.  But instead of going to a fancy steakhouse we just went to Outback.  We decided to save on some money and go there since we know we enjoy their food as well.  It's a good thing we did too because we still ended up spending close to 80 bucks.  We even split the dinner too. 

We got some chicken wings for the appetizer.  They were pretty good but not what we remembered having there so they must have gotten rid of the those kinds.  It's been quite awhile since we were there last so who knows when they got rid of them.  Then chose to have the 8oz fillet with garlic mashed potatoes and broccoli for the sides.  And I also got 3 grilled shrimp.  So the dinner was good for us.  He got most of the steak, we figured he got 5oz and I got 3oz but that was good since I also got the shrimp.  But then we ruined it all when we got the warm brownie with ice cream on top for desert.  But we split that as well at least.  Nowhere near as good as the desert from Red Lobster which we considered for about 2 minutes going over and getting.  But we decided to be good and not go.  We also had a couple drinks each.  He had long islands and I had something that I can't remember the name of now.  But it had vodka in it and it was nice and sweet.  HEE

Good thing we didn't get the 2nd desert at Red Lobster too since by the time we made it home we both felt satisfied.  If we had gotten our own meals we definitely would've been uncomfortably full.  Although we both agreed that if and when we go there again we'll get our own sides and split the steak still.  And skip the appetizer and desert.  With the bread they serve at the beginning and having our own full amount of sides we'll be just fine.  I still might get the shrimp so that way he still gets a bigger chunk of the steak.

Saturday was really really bad.  We had frozen pizza for lunch/breakfast and then I had an Italian beef and fries for dinner.  Which the dinner wasn't so bad but then we had chocolate cake (I had a huge slice) and chips and several shots.  We had friends over for game night to celebrate my birthday.  He had pizza again but this time it was double dough with pepperoni and bacon - very bad.  I had the tiniest corner piece of it but that was it.

Sunday wasn't any better really.  Although calorie wise I probably just made what I should be eating in a day.  I had a piece of cake for my breakfast, not anywhere near the size of the night before.  Then we went to his nephews birthday party where I had a pretty darn small piece of ice cream cake and by the time we got home it was going on 7pm and that's all I had had all day for food.  He cooked up some ground beef to make tacos for himself and I had couple hot dogs and potato chips.  So the food wasn't the greatest but at least it wasn't a ton of calories the way Saturday was.

And every day we did some flips and started doing the plank on Saturday.  Yesterday I had a migraine bad enough that I stayed home from work and he still made me do the plank a couple times.  But I refused to do the flip, was in too much pain for that.  Was able to stay up for 43 seconds the first time and 30 the second.

My back is paying for it today.  But at least it's a good workout pain.  But my head still hurts too so that's not good.  May skip the plank this evening and only do a couple flips.  We shall see.

One ass kicking needed please

So this week hasn't been good, yet again.  No exercise, not even that damn scorpion flip and very little food that wasn't bad for me in one way or the other.  Especially on Tuesday.  I had ordered a couple King Cakes from a bakery in New Orleans to be shipped up here and I took them to work with me on Tuesday.  I had way more than I should have of them.  Who knows how many calories just in the icing and sugar on top of the cake I consumed, let alone all the rest of the ingredients to make the cake itself.

Oh well, at least it's only one day and that's the whole point of it.  It's not called Fat Tuesday for nothing.  Heh

I'm not Catholic so I don't give up anything for Lent.  But I still thought about it.  But mine was going to be a reversal of it.  I was going to do some sort of exercise every day, whether it be the flip or jump rope or weights or one of the machines or any other type.  Even it would be for only 5 minutes I was going to do something.  Yeah, I didn't do shit yesterday at all.  I suppose I could always start today though.  Hmmm, we shall see. 

I need something, anything, to give me a quick kick in the ass. 

No steak for me

So, yeah, we didn't go out for steak on Friday night.  I knew I was getting my hopes up too high for it to happen.  Especially since HDiTty had to work this weekend.

He made a good point though.  Since he had to be to work at 6:00am we couldn't go out and just relax and have a good time.  He wouldn't be able to have a drink, not really anyway, and we would've been looking at the time too much.

So we agreed we'd go out this coming Friday and celebrate.  We shall see.

So instead we ate badly.  We had Chili's for dinner. I had their chicken crispers which are fried along with french fries.  And they completely forgot my corn on the cob so I didn't even get to have anything healthy.  He had boneless buffalo wings and southwest egg rolls.  Yeah, those are really bad for you.  I had half of one as well.  They are yummy though.

The rest of the weekend was hit or miss.  We had fish fillets and tots on Saturday for dinner and a frozen pizza on Sunday.  During the day  on Sunday I had a frozen breakfast (scrambled eggs, hashbrown & 2 slices of bacon) meal with some bread and then popcorn for a mid afternoon snack.  I can't remember what I had on Saturday though, obviously wasn't all that earth shattering. 

I was bad too though.  On Saturday what I do remember having was a full sleeve of thin mints.  Really really bad.

And I didn't do any exercises, I sat on my ass all weekend.  Didn't even do the scorpion flip.  Yep, gotta get back on it.

Letting myself down, why oh why....

So let's see.  The weekend ended up not being too bad after all.  At least, not for the most part anyway.  I went grocery shopping on Friday and actually managed not to buy any sweets.  At least not the kind I normally do.  I bought 90 calorie snack pack boxes of rice cakes.  The little mini ones that are chocolate or carmel or the like.  So, as long as we only snack on one pack we'll be doing ok with those.

Food wasn't the best but it wasn't awful either.  I made stew on Saturday which we had for dinner.  But we still had pizza for dinner on Sunday.  So yeah, that's not good. 

And I of course, still haven't worked out yet.  I have the good intentions but I just can't seem to make myself follow up with them yet.  I really don't know why.

There are times that I wonder if it's because I'm afraid to get slim/healthy.  I've been at best chubby and at worst fat since my early 20's.  I did lose a decent amount of weight in between my first husband and HDT but it didn't take too long to put it all back on.  When I was with my first husband, at least for the last couple years we were together, I wore a size 14. Yeah, yeah, I know it's the average size but when you're only 5'3" and wear a size 14 you're chubby.

I got down to a 10 for a little while in between the two but within a year and half after meeting HDT I was back in a size 14.

Now HDT on the other hand has always been overweight.  When we met he wasn't too bad, just chubby, but he's been up and down his whole life.  But with me he's been the heaviest he's ever been, I have too.  He's said to me before that he's worried that if I lose weight and look good and he doesn't that I'd leave him for a better looking guy.  I've told him before that that isn't true but of course he's still worried about it.  I honestly believe I wouldn't do that but you really don't know what you would do until you're confronted with certain situations.

We have a couple guns for protection, I believe I'd use mine immediately if I felt threatened.  But if I ever had to I really don't know what would happen.  There are other people that believe they'd never lift a gun towards another person but if they felt their life was in danger or their child's, etc. they very well may do so after all.  This is what I'm saying.  I believe I wouldn't but I really just don't know.

So I think that's one reason I hold myself back.  Plus the fact that it's been a really long time since I was slim, I don't know who that person is anymore.  I'm afraid I'll be someone else and I won't like her.  Every now and then I actually worry that he won't like me even if I stay the same person just skinny. 

There are times that I feel like there's no way I'll be able to maintain a slim/healthy body so why bother.  I maintained the 185 weight for so long without doing anything different that I wondered if that's just what I was supposed to be.  Looking at my family tree most of the women have meat on their bones.  There's very few of us that are actually naturally slim. 

You always read these articles that say you need to love yourself and how you look no matter what and what follows will follow naturally.  Well, I do love myself but that doesn't mean I love my body.  Because I don't.  I have a hard time finding anything I like about it and then when I do I have a hard time remembering that I like that part.  Like my calves; I have awesome calves.  I know it's from when I was kid and had a paper route.  My mom was never one of those parents that would drive their kid around delivering the papers.  If I wanted the job I had to do it on my own.  So that meant walking the whole thing or riding my bike.  I walked most of the time so my legs were STRONG.  And even after gaining weight my calves have always looked good. 

My thighs not so much anymore.  For a long time they still looked good because the muscle was still so big and strong.  But I noticed this last year that they now have cellulite where there didn't used to be.  And the worst thing about it is that they didn't look like that before I had lost the 20 plus pounds back in '09.  They only started getting the dimples and saggy skin after I gained it back.  Sucks big time. 

But my calves still look good though.  Heh

But, honestly, I think that's what's holding me back the most.  I just don't know that slim and healthy girl anymore and I'm afraid of her.  And I'm afraid of letting myself down again and you can't let yourself down if you never start.  Considering I've let myself down a couple times already I know I'm capable of it and that just sucks.

So, as it says in the tag line - I'll be posting about the bad and ugly as well as the good.  Last night was the bad and today at lunch was the ugly.

I didn't workout last night as planned.  It was chilly and I just sat my butt on the couch under my snuggie watching tv with HDiTty with the dog in my lap (part time) and one of the cats in my arms (part time) keeping me warm. 

Yes, yes, I know that if I got up and did the treadmill or the elliptical I would've gotten even warmer than sitting on my ass.  I never said I was logical in my laziness.

And today was just ugly.  I really didn't want to go home and make anything for lunch.  Which of course is what I should have done.  Nope, what did I do?  I went to McD's and got a #3 - double quarter, medium fries and a Dr Pepper.  Didn't even get a diet drink.  At least I eat my burgers completely plain so there isn't any extra calories from cheese.  Heh

I ended up eating all the fries and all but about 3, maybe 4, bites of the burger.  I only drank about 1/2 of the pop though.  So a few more calories "saved" by not finishing the burger and the drink.

Ahahahaha, who am I kidding!?!  So what I didn't eat those calories, what I did eat was bad enough.  UGH!

So, yeah, I really have to make myself get to exercising so I can make myself eat better.